1.) How Your Family of Origin Still Controls You
The First Step Towards Breaking The Chains
Are You Actually Making Your Own Choices—Or Just Reacting Unconsciously?
We all like to think we’re independent.
That we make our own choices.
That we aren’t secretly controlled by the past…
But here’s the reality: the way you handle conflict, relationships, self-worth, and even success is largely shaped by your family of origin—whether you realize it or not.
Hell, even how you financially handle your life is influenced by family dynamics.
Let’s Think About It:
Do you shut down during arguments, lash out, or try to “keep the peace” at all costs? You internalized that somewhere.
Do you constantly feel responsible for other people’s emotions? That didn’t start in adulthood.
Do you struggle with boundaries because you feel guilty saying no? That’s a learned response.
These patterns are what I call unconscious chains—unspoken, deeply ingrained beliefs about how relationships, emotions, and power work. They weren’t necessarily taught to you directly—you absorbed them through observation, repetition, family dynamics, and strong emotional events.
What Are 'Unconscious Chains' in Family Systems?
Unconscious chains are the unspoken rules you grew up with—whether you realized it or not. These are the messages that told you:
What love should feel like (even if that meant tolerating dysfunction).
How to handle emotions (ignore them, explode, suppress, or pretend they don’t exist).
Who you needed to be to ‘belong’ in your family (the caretaker, the fixer, the quiet one, the golden child, the pariah, the comedic relief, the mediator or the black sheep).
What you ‘owed’ to your family (loyalty, secrecy, putting their needs before yours).
These patterns didn’t come with a manual. You learned them by watching and developing pattern recognition.
If your parents avoided conflict, you probably learned that speaking up isn’t a smart idea.
If love was conditional on achievement, you probably learned that your worth is based on what you do, not who you are.
If you were guilted into taking care of others’ emotions, you probably learned that your needs come last… or worse, at a cost.
If you were constantly glorified, praised, or rewarded you may struggle with taking feedback and feeling as though the person giving the feedback still loves you.
And unless you recognize these patterns, you will repeat them—without even realizing it.
CASE STUDY: Rachel
Rachel grew up as the eldest of three, with a younger brother and sister. Her parents were constantly out partying and prioritizing their social life over their children's emotional needs. Instead of providing structure and support, they criticized, demanded, and offloaded responsibility onto Rachel, expecting her to take care of her siblings. She became the built-in caretaker—but never by choice.
Whenever something went wrong in the family, Rachel was scapegoated. If she didn’t meet their unrealistic expectations, she was guilted and shamed into compliance. Her parents didn’t parent; they controlled. And like many children raised in this environment, she internalized the belief that love had to be earned through sacrifice.
Now, as an adult, Rachel struggles to believe that her needs, desires, and feelings matter—even to the people who love her. She feels obligated to maintain a positive attitude at all times because, in her world, if she isn’t making others happy, she’s to blame for their discomfort.
She walks on eggshells, suppressing her own frustrations and needs, fearing that expressing them will make her responsible for someone else’s negative emotions. But when that suppression builds up, she either explodes in anger or shuts down completely—leaving her feeling even more isolated and misunderstood.
Rachel came to therapy with her husband, seeking help for sexual intimacy challenges and her husband's performance anxiety. But this issue went far deeper than just sex.
As we unpacked their family-of-origin dynamics, it became clear that their intimacy struggles were just a symptom of a much deeper problem—patterns of emotional neglect, repression, and self-abandonment that Rachel learned in childhood and unknowingly carried into her marriage.
Once she and her husband began understanding these unconscious patterns—and how they shaped the emotional (and physical) intimacy between them—their relationship completely transformed.
Thankfully, they are now more connected than ever, creating an intimacy that was impossible before they uncovered these hidden family dynamics.
*How to Know If Your Family of Origin Still Unconsciously Influences You…
Not sure if these unconscious chains are running your life? Here are some telltale signs:
You feel guilty setting boundaries, even when they’re completely reasonable. (This can manifest in experiencing double standards of treatment.)
You keep ending up in the same unhealthy relationships. (Different person, same cycle.)
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions—even when it’s out of your control. (If this is you, next article is for you!)
You avoid confrontation because it makes you anxious—even when you have every right to speak up.
You feel like nothing you do is ever “good enough.”
You over-explain or justify your decisions—especially to family.
You struggle with self-doubt and constantly second-guess yourself.
You stay in relationships, jobs, or commitments longer than you should—because leaving feels ‘selfish.’
If any of this feels uncomfortably accurate, don’t panic. Most people unknowingly live by their family’s unspoken rules.
The good news? You can break free.
The bad news? It feels f*cking brutal!
How to Start Rewriting the Rules
1.) Identify the Unspoken Rules
Think back to childhood: What was the underlying message about emotions, success, or relationships in your family?
Example: “Don’t talk about problems.” “You’re responsible for making others happy.” “Anger is dangerous.”
How do those beliefs still show up in your life today?
2.) Recognize That Guilt = Growth
If you feel guilty setting boundaries or saying no, that doesn’t mean you’re wrong—it means you’re breaking an old, unhealthy pattern.
Guilt is the brain’s way of saying, “This is new and uncomfortable.” It’s a withdrawal symptom from dysfunctional family rules.
Expect it. Move through it. Guilt is not a reason to stop.
You may, however, have been guilted badly from your upbringing—and this is going to feel brutal!
3.) Catch Yourself in Old Patterns (And Choose Differently)
Next time you find yourself people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or feeling guilty for putting yourself first—pause.
Ask yourself: Am I doing this because it’s what I actually want? Or because I don't want to upset someone from my past being projected into the present?"
Start making small changes—speak up once, say, “Unfortunately, that’s not going to work for me.” Let go of over-explaining.
4.) Separate Love from Obligation
Love is freely given. Obligation is forced.
If your relationships rely on guilt, pressure, or feeling like you “owe” someone your time, energy, or choices—that’s not love, that’s obligation.
It is also the beginning of resentment and emotional enmeshment—something that, if you’ve followed me long enough, you know is more toxic and terrible for the psyche than nuclear waste.
You don’t have to cut off your family to break free. You just have to stop playing by the old rules. (More on this to come!)
Journal Exercise: Breaking the Chains
1. What were the unspoken rules in your family?
What was rewarded, what was punished, and what emotions were acceptable? What emotions were unacceptable?
Who was the emotional thermostat for the family? Did one person’s volatility force others to suppress? Did someone play the helpless victim that others over-accommodated?
2. How do those rules show up in your current relationships?
Do you repeat them? Do you fight against them? Do you project them onto your partner, kids, or friends?
Do you internalize them into your sense of self, character, or identity?
Do you take unhealthy pride in certain traits to avoid admitting they once hurt you?
3. What’s one belief about yourself that you want to rewrite?
Maybe it’s “I’m only valuable if I’m useful.” Or “I have to make everyone happy.”
Reframe it into something that makes you feel empowered and confident.
4. What’s one small action you can take this week to challenge an old pattern?
Example: Setting a boundary, not over-explaining, allowing yourself to say no without guilt.
Who is someone you trust and feel unconditionally connected to that you could practice this with?
Final Thought: You Are Not Your Programming
Your family shaped you—but they don’t have to define you.
Some therapists might tell you to cut everyone off. We’re going to do something different.
In the next post, we’ll go deeper into how to break free without burning your entire family bridge to the ground.
Until then, start noticing the patterns you’ve been living by—and ask yourself: Do I actually believe this? Or was I just trained to accept it?