6.) The Four I’s: The Framework That Actually Resolves Conflict

Most couples skip the four steps that make healing possible. Here’s how to stop arguing in circles and finally reconnect.

Most couples never actually resolve conflict.
They just move past it.
One person folds.
The other person defends.
They both go back to life…until it comes up again in a new form.

Why? Because they don’t know the 4 critical steps that need to be walked through before any real resolution happens.

I call them: The Four I’s
Impact → Intentions → Influences → Improvements

It’s a simple framework with serious results. Let’s break it down:

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1️⃣ Impact (The Emotional Wound)

Conflict begins with one partner feeling emotionally hurt. But most people skip over this and rush straight to logic, defense, or repair.

You can’t resolve pain that hasn’t been fully named.

Impact means holding space for the partner who was emotionally affected to:

• Process what happened

• Feel heard (not fixed)

• Get their pain acknowledged without qualifiers

🔁 Example: “When you made that comment about me being dramatic in front of your family, I felt exposed and unsupported.”

“Yeah. I get why that landed that way. I can see that really hurt you.”

Don’t do this: “I didn’t mean it that way.”

❌ Common mistake: Jumping to “fix it” mode or minimizing the reaction before the pain is acknowledged.

This person needs validation and understanding. They are not looking for agreement that their perspective is the only possible outcome.

Micro-script to try:
“When that happened, I felt ___ and I haven’t really said anything because I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

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2️⃣ Intentions (The Benefit of the Doubt)

After emotional validation, it’s time to look at what the “hurting” partner believes about the intentions of the other.

This is where a lot of partners get stuck. They assume bad faith, selfishness, or malice. Especially if their family of origin dynamic struggled to validate emotions or demonstrate healthy conflict repair, they may have never learned to distinguish bad behavior from bad character — leading to assumptions of ill intent in their partner.

But healing only happens when we pause to ask:

“Do I actually believe you’re a good person who just did something hurtful — or am I treating you like the enemy?”

This step is about empathy, not excuse-making. That understanding is the bridge to emotional safety — the kind of bond both people deeply crave, even if they don’t know how to ask for it.

🔁 Examples: “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. I think you were probably feeling embarrassed yourself and didn’t know how to respond.”

“I know that you are a caring person and never really want to hurt me.”

❌ Common mistake: Getting angry and continuing to stay hurt because you believe giving the benefit of the doubt excuses or minimizes the way you felt impacted.

Micro-script to try:
“I can see now how that came off differently than I meant it. That wasn’t your intention, and I want us to both feel comfortable when we are out with other couples or people.”

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3️⃣ Influences (The Outside Stuff)

This is the most overlooked phase. Once the impact and intentions are clear, it’s time to explore what external stressors influenced the behavior.

When couples are stuck in a destructive conflict cycle they negatively label these excuses and this becomes a breeding ground for misunderstanding and really painful wounds to develop.