Are You Helping or Hurting? The Truth About Empathy vs. Sympathy
Why Your ‘Kindness’ Might Be Making Things Worse (And What to Do Instead)
We’ve all been there. Someone’s venting about their struggles, and we instinctively go into sympathy mode:
"Oh my God, that’s awful! I can’t believe this is happening to you!"
"Ugh, that sounds so unfair! You poor thing!"
And we think we’re helping. We think we’re offering comfort. But what we’re actually doing is unintentionally making them feel weaker.
That’s because sympathy isn’t what most people need. Empathy is. And if you don’t know the difference, you’re probably walking around accidentally reinforcing helplessness in the people you care about.
Especially the most vulnerable. Your kids.
Let’s break it down.
Empathy vs. Sympathy: What’s the Difference?
We tend to use these words interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.
Empathy says: I see what you’re going through. I understand how hard this must be. (Validation + connection)
Sympathy says: Oh no, poor you! I feel so bad for you. (Pity + helplessness)
One makes a person feel seen and understood, while the other makes them feel powerless and small.
When Should You Use Sympathy?
Sympathy is reserved for situations where a person is truly helpless.
Death of a loved one
Natural disasters
Terminal illness
A real loss that they cannot do anything about
In these cases, sympathy is appropriate because there is no action to take, no lesson to learn, no personal agency to reclaim.
When Should You Use Empathy?
Pretty much all other situations.
Your friend is in a toxic relationship? Empathy.
Your kid is struggling with a bad grade? Empathy.
Your spouse is feeling overwhelmed with work? Empathy.
Your sibling is complaining that “nothing ever goes their way”? Definitely empathy.
Why Sympathy Unintentionally Creates a Victim Mentality
Here’s where things get dicey.
When you use sympathy in the wrong situations, you subtly reinforce powerlessness.
You’re sending the message:
"Yeah, you’re totally screwed. There’s nothing you can do."
And guess what happens? The person internalizes that belief. They start to believe:
"I need other people to rescue me."
"I am incapable of solving my own problems."
"I should rely on guilt and emotional manipulation to get help."
And that, my friend, is how you unintentionally fuel enmeshment and codependency.
Empathy: The Cure for Codependency
Empathy, on the other hand, acknowledges a person’s pain without reinforcing helplessness.
It communicates:
"I see you. I get how hard this is. But I also believe in your ability to handle it."
Here’s the magic of empathy over sympathy:
✅ It validates emotions without over-functioning for the other person.
✅ It reinforces differentiation, not enmeshment.
✅ It keeps responsibility where it belongs—on the person experiencing the struggle.
BUT WAIT—WHAT IF THEY DON’T WANT TO PROBLEM-SOLVE YET?
This is critical. Not every person who is venting wants a solution in the moment.
Sometimes, they just need to feel heard before they can get to the problem-solving stage.
⚠️ Common mistake: Jumping straight to “Here’s what you should do” before they’re ready. (Insert almost every husband talking with their wife!)
Instead, try:
🗣️ "That sounds really tough. Do you want to vent, or do you want to brainstorm some ideas?"
This keeps the ball in their court while also stopping you from getting sucked into a sympathy-based “poor you” response.
If they just need to vent, that’s fine!
But don’t make their emotions your burden.
Listen, validate, and then move on with your life.
How to Apply This in Your Relationships
Let’s get practical. How do you start using empathy instead of sympathy in your everyday interactions?
1️⃣ With Your Spouse
Sympathy Response: "Oh babe, I’m so sorry work is stressing you out. I wish I could make it all go away!"
🔄 Empathy Response: "That sounds brutal. I know you’ve been juggling a lot lately. What do you think would help the most?"
Why this works: You’re validating their stress without taking ownership of fixing it.
2️⃣ With Your Kids
Sympathy Response: "Oh no, sweetie! You got a bad grade? That’s awful! I’m going to email your teacher!"
🔄 Empathy Response: "That’s disappointing, huh? I get why you’re upset. What do you think went wrong, and what’s the next step?"
Why this works: You’re helping them problem-solve, rather than reinforcing helplessness.
3️⃣ With Your Parents or Family of Origin
Sympathy Response: "I hate that you feel lonely, Mom! It makes me feel so bad!"
🔄 Empathy Response: "I hear that you’re feeling lonely, and I know that’s tough. Have you thought about joining a group or making plans with friends?"
Why this works: You’re acknowledging their feelings without being guilted into emotionally caretaking them.
Recognizing When Someone Is Using Sympathy to Manipulate You
⚠️ Be careful—some people weaponize sympathy as a way to control others.
If someone constantly:
❌ Paints themselves as a victim in every situation
❌ Uses guilt to get you to solve their problems
❌ Reacts poorly when you encourage them to take ownership
They don’t want support—they want a rescuer.
And that’s a role you don’t need to play. Because you may never work your way out of it!
In these cases, set boundaries.
"I hear that this is really hard for you. What’s your plan?"
"I know you’re struggling, and I trust you’ll figure this out."
Put the responsibility back on them. This is emotional intimacy and really what you and the other person really want and need.
It’s healthy love.
Final Thought: Empathy is Power, Sympathy is Weakness
If you walk away with nothing else from this newsletter, remember this:
-Empathy empowers. Sympathy weakens.
-Empathy fuels differentiation. Sympathy fuels enmeshment.
-Empathy says “I believe in you.” Sympathy says, “I feel bad for you.”
Every time you engage with someone, you have a choice:
Do I want to help them feel seen AND capable? Or just seen and stuck?
Choose wisely. Your relationships—and your own emotional well-being—depend on it.
Reflection Exercise: How to Shift from Sympathy to Empathy
📝 1. Who in your life do you tend to over-sympathize with? (Spouse, kids, parents, friends?)
📝 2. When have you felt someone’s sympathy actually made you feel worse? Why?
📝 3. How can you shift to empathy in a relationship where you usually default to sympathy?
📝 4. What’s one phrase you can practice to replace sympathy with empathy? (Example: “That sounds tough. What do you think would help?”)
Next time someone shares a struggle, check yourself.
Stay safe with empathy as this is usually 98% of life interactions with others!!!
If this newsletter made you rethink how you interact with others, send it to someone who needs this shift.
Let’s start building stronger, healthier, more empowered relationships—one empathetic response at a time.