Beyond the Same Old Fights: How to Stop Circling Problems and Anchor Your Marriage in What Really Matters
Marriage–Parenting Systems (Part 6 — Final Installment)
Every couple has their “greatest hits” playlist of fights. The same arguments remixed over and over. Maybe it’s bedtime, maybe it’s chores, maybe it’s how much screen time counts as “too much.”
Or it’s: “You never initiate sex!” or “Why am I the one who always cares if the bedroom looks decent?”
Here’s the thing—the content of the fight doesn’t matter. What matters is the principle (or lack thereof) underneath that keeps dragging you back into the same tug of war.
Most couples fight problems. The smart ones fight for principles.
Principles are the pattern—the underlying dynamic that runs through all the content. Most couples and families I work with have three or four core principles that keep showing up by the time they’re ready to sit down with me.
Why Problems Keep You Stuck
When you fight about problems—bedtime, homework, phones, sex, in-laws—you’re always chasing the next crisis. It’s like trying to plug holes in a sinking ship with Band-Aids. Sure, you’ll cover a leak for a minute, but the water keeps rushing in.
Problems are endless, exhausting, and distracting. The more you focus on them, the more reactive and defensive you become. Before long, the tone of the conversation turns negative and shaming.
It’s miserable—and it usually leads to “round two” fights around shame, guilt, and old insecurities rooted in each other’s upbringing.
Sound familiar? Ding ding ding—it’s time to stop obsessing over content and start talking about the principle underneath.
That’s why your arguments feel circular: you’re locked in content, instead of drilling down to the core.
Principles Over Problems: What It Means
Principles are the core ideas that guide how you show up as partners and parents. They’re the north star when everything else feels chaotic. Broad enough to cover lots of content, but clear enough to give you direction.
Examples I see all the time in my office:
Taking initiative.
Perseverance.
Prioritizing our family over family of origin.
Having consideration for each other’s feelings and experiences.
Showing gratitude for sacrifices (whether it’s earning money or managing the home).
When you anchor to principles, you don’t get lost chasing details, semantics, or side arguments. I call this “wild goose chase conflict”—fights about:
Tone of voice.
Passive-aggressive comments.
Name-calling or insults.
Random grievances pulled from four years ago that barely connect to the current issue.
All of that is noise.
Bedtime isn’t about bedtime—it’s about learning to manage disappointment or honoring mom and dad’s need to decompress. Chores aren’t about chores—they’re about initiative and contribution. Screen time isn’t about iPads—it’s about balance and moderation.
Principles give meaning to the moment. Problems just multiply.
How to Shift From Problems to Principles
Name your principles. As a couple, write down the 3–5 values you want to define your marriage and parenting. (If you can’t agree on principles, that’s your first problem.)
These should be broad enough to capture recurring issues, not just one-time annoyances.
Check the fight against the principle. Instead of asking “Who’s right?” ask “What principle are we trying to protect here?”
Often, you and your partner each hold a valid principle. Great—now figure out how to integrate them.
Depersonalize the conflict. The fight isn’t me vs. you. It’s us vs. the problem. The principle acts as referee.
And remember: many principles are tied to family-of-origin patterns. Recognizing this makes it easier to separate past pain from present conflict.
Stick to the hierarchy. Marriage comes first. Parenting flows from there. If the foundation isn’t aligned, kids sense the divide.
Pro tip: Make sure your kids see clear boundaries. Parents’ bedroom = off limits unless invited. Parents’ bathroom = special privilege. Parents’ phones and belongings = ask first. Small things, but they reinforce hierarchy.
The Payoff
When couples fight problems, they burn out. They get negative, depressed, and eventually land with a counselor who just focuses on the same content treadmill.
When couples fight for principles, they build trust, stability, and resilience. They address the patterns and processes that have roots far deeper than the marriage itself.
It sounds subtle, but the shift is massive. It turns parenting into partnership and conflict into clarity.
Because at the end of the day:
Problems divide. Principles unite.
Don’t Be Hypocritical…
Stop letting every problem dictate the tone of your marriage and parenting. Anchor to principles that are bigger than the moment.
Your kids don’t just need parents who enforce rules. They need parents who embody principles worth following.