Emotional Safety Is the Wrong Word
Here’s What Actually Helps People Open Up
I think therapy talk is really killing everyone’s vibe going into 2026.
Terms are becoming so overused and inappropriately used that it’s diminishing the credibility of explaining really great, nuanced dynamics within relationships.
Gaslighting.
Parentified.
And the holy grail of them all… Emotional safety.
It even pains me to write it. I’m smirking in dismissiveness as I type.
The term emotional safety has become unhelpful and completely misunderstood. Not because the idea behind it is wrong—but because the word safe now carries a tone that turns a lot of adults off. It sounds fragile. Overly cautious. Like emotional bubble wrap. For many people, it evokes eye-rolling instead of insight.
And that’s unfortunate, because what people are actually longing for in conversations has nothing to do with coddling.
What they want is to talk to someone who can stay steady while they’re figuring themselves out.
So instead of emotional safety, I want to offer a better, more accurate term:
Stable Presence
What People Actually Mean When They Say They Don’t Feel “Safe”
They’re usually NOT saying:
“I need you to agree with me.”
“I need you to protect me from discomfort.”
“I need endless reassurance.”
What they’re REALLY saying is:
“I don’t trust that you can stay calm, open, and grounded while I’m processing.”
That’s not about safety. They aren’t going to be shot.
That’s about stability.
People open up when they don’t feel like they must manage the other person’s emotions while trying to understand their own.
What a Stable Presence Actually Is
A Stable Presence is someone who can be emotionally and psychologically present without interfering.
Not fixing.
Not personalizing.
Not reacting.
Not inserting their own interpretations mid-conversation.
Just present.
A stable presence looks like someone who:
Can remain calm while the other person is upset
Can listen without rushing to explain or correct
Can set their own emotions aside temporarily
Can tolerate discomfort without needing immediate resolution
Why Stability Matters More Than “Safety”
People don’t open up because they feel protected. Which is why most bristle at this term. Me included.
They open up because they’re not being emotionally interfered with.
When someone stays emotionally steady:
Anxiety naturally lowers
Defensiveness doesn’t need to activate
Thinking becomes clearer
Self-reflection becomes possible… I said possible not probable…
The conversation becomes usable.
Not because someone made it “safe,”vbut because they made it stable enough to think inside of.
From a family systems perspective, Stable Presence is differentiation in real life.
A differentiated person can:
Stay connected without becoming emotionally entangled
Hold their own perspective without forcing it into the moment
Remain grounded even when someone else is anxious or reactive
Because of that consistency, emotional reactivity stays lower—and people don’t feel the need to armor up.
That’s why stability feels safe.
Not because nothing challenging happens, but because the emotional ground doesn’t keep shifting.
How People Become Emotionally Unsafe (Without Intending To)
Most people aren’t emotionally unsafe because they’re cruel or dismissive.
They’re unsafe because their own anxiety leaks into the interaction.
This often looks like:
Taking things personally that aren’t about them
Rushing to fix because discomfort feels intolerable
Injecting their own story too quickly
Reacting emotionally before fully understanding
Subtly pressuring the other person to feel differently
None of this is malicious.
But the result is the same.
And if you’ve read my stuff before, you already know the theme here: intentions and impact. This is often a major dynamic that stops “emotional safety” dead in its tracks.
The conversation stops being about understanding—and starts being about managing reactions.
That’s when people shut down.
That’s when they self-edit.
That’s when reflection disappears.
Breakthroughs definitely don’t even have a fighting chance.
How to Become a Stable Presence
Being a Stable Presence doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or becoming detached. It means containing your reactions long enough for the other person’s experience to fully exist.
Here’s what actually matters.
1. Regulate First, Engage Second
If you’re emotionally activated, you’re not available—no matter how good your intentions are.
Stable people slow themselves down before trying to be helpful.
This is emotional discipline.
Discipline that may take time and more reflection as to who poorly modelled this for you. (Hint hint)
2. Delay Interpretation
The fastest way to destabilize a conversation is to explain what you think something means before fully understanding what’s being said.
I say this all the time to my clients in session: what they are saying vs what they are meaning is down two and over one. People are trying to talk about content and make inferences to talk about a dynamic or process—and that’s usually only loosely associated with the details they’re throwing at one another.
Go back to a recent post I wrote about why communication is usually a complete dumpster fire here:
Stability requires restraint:
Fewer assumptions
Fewer conclusions
More listening than labeling
Understanding comes before insight.
3. Don’t Outsource Your Regulation
If you need the other person to calm down so you can feel okay, you’re no longer present—you’re managing yourself through them. (Codependency)
A stable presence can tolerate discomfort without needing the moment to resolve immediately.
4. Hold Your Perspective Without Deploying It
You can have thoughts, reactions, and opinions—and still choose not to insert them prematurely.
Stability isn’t about not having a perspective.
It’s about timing and containment.
5. Let the Moment Be About Them
A stable presence doesn’t compete with pain, redirect focus, or fill space unnecessarily.
They allow space without interference.
That space is where reflection happens.
The Real Reframe
So if you’ve ever thought:
“I don’t feel emotionally safe talking to them.” (Victim-like mentality)
What you likely mean is:
“I don’t trust them to stay steady while I’m processing.” (Empowered and nuanced)
People don’t need perfect listeners.
They need regulated ones.
They don’t need protection, solution, or challenge immediately.
They need non-interference to more than likely get there on their own.
They don’t need emotional safety. (One last eye roll)
They need a Stable Presence.
Final Thought
Most people aren’t struggling because they don’t care enough.
They’re struggling because no one ever showed them how to stay steady when emotions show up.
Stable Presence isn’t about being nicer.
It’s about being regulated enough that people don’t have to brace themselves around you.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it—
in your marriage, with your kids, with your family, and with yourself.
If this landed, sit with one question:
Who in your life offers you Stable Presence—and who quietly takes it away unintentionally?
If you found this useful, share it with someone who talks about “emotional safety” but might actually be craving stability.
And if you want more work like this—less therapy jargon, more real-world clarity—you know where to find me.
This is a great piece, Matt. Well done! Appreciate it.