Getting Out of the Tribute Trap

The actual conversations. What to say to a spouse who’s been paying tribute for a decade, what to say to a kid who thinks everything he does is for you, and how to catch yourself mid-sentence.

Photo by Eugene Chystiakov on Unsplash

This is the companion to The Harder You Love, The Emptier It Gets. If you haven’t read that one yet, go read it first, because this piece skips the why and goes straight to the how. This is the part I’d normally only do with a family in my office, and I want you to treat it that way: slowly, one conversation at a time, with the understanding that you’ll do it imperfectly and that imperfect is fine.

One rule before we start, and it’s something that is vitally important to understand.

You cannot pull someone out of the trap. You can only stop paying, and make it safe for them to stop too.