Principles Over Problems: The Parenting Shift That Actually Builds Character

Stop arguing over the tangled mess of your kid’s behavior—and start focusing on what actually matters.

Apr 24, 2025

There’s a moment every parent hits: when you realize that all your lectures, power struggles, and micromanaging are just… not working.

You’re stuck in the weeds—constantly reacting to every attitude, eye roll, or rule bend. You’re hoping that if you just say it the right way, they’ll finally get it.

Spoiler: They won’t. Because you’re parenting the problem, not teaching the principle.

This is the shift that changes everything. And it’s the foundation of my book, Honey, We F**ed Up the Kids*.

Why Focusing on Problems Doesn’t Work

Every time you argue about a chore, a tone of voice, a bedtime delay, or a forgotten homework assignment, you’re dealing with surface-level content.

It’s like trying to untangle a single wire in a broken umbrella while ignoring the busted handle.

You get more frustrated. They get more defensive. And nothing changes.

This is why I teach parents to stop chasing problems—and start anchoring every conversation, limit, and consequence to a principle.

The Golf Umbrella Strategy

Here’s the visual I use (and break down in my book):

Picture a giant golf umbrella. The wires? They’re all the little behavior issues: screen time battles, sibling fights, messy bedrooms, skipped chores, sassy attitudes.

But the handle—that’s the principle.

When you hold the umbrella by the handle, everything stabilizes. You’re not chasing every wire. You’re not yanking at each rib trying to make it behave.

You’re holding the core value that gives everything else structure.

So instead of fighting about why they didn’t clean their room again, you say:

“This isn’t about your room. This is about perseverance and consideration for our nice home. You are capable of doing things that are hard even when you don’t feel like it."

Boom. No more micro-negotiating.

Just a clear principle that helps your kid understand the why—why this matters, why it’s being asked of them, and how it connects to something bigger than the task at hand.

What Principles Actually Sound Like

Here are a few examples that come up in my office with parents almost every day:

Consideration – "You don’t have to want to do it. But you do need to consider how your behavior affects everyone else."
Managing disappointment – "You’re allowed to feel upset, but we don’t take that out on others."
Perseverance – "Being bored or frustrated doesn’t mean you quit. It means you dig in."
Initiative – "Don’t wait to be asked. If you know it needs to get done, own it."
Prioritization – "Free time comes after responsibilities are taken care of."
Accepting 'No' – "Hearing no is part of life. Learning how to handle it makes you stronger."
Time, Place, and People – "Some things are okay to say, just not here or to that person. Read the room."

These are the character values you actually want your child to walk away with.

Not whether they remember to close the dishwasher. Not whether they apologize perfectly. Not whether they can say the right thing with a perfectly regulated voice.

Why This Shift Matters (And Why It’s Hard)

Parenting from principle is harder at first—because it forces you to get clear about what you stand for.

Most parents can list 100 things they want their kids to stop doing.

But when I ask them what principles they’re actively trying to instill… crickets.

Here’s the truth: if you can’t name it, you can’t teach it.

But once you know the principle behind the behavior, you:

Stop reacting emotionally
Stay calm and consistent
Make consequences show that you believe in your kid’s competence
Reduce power struggles

And—maybe most importantly—you give your kid something bigger to grow into.

Because consequences without principles just feel like punishment.

Punishment is personal and about them not listening to your demands. Authoritarian!

But consequences with principles?

They feel like growth—when those principles are rooted in realistic expectations and character standards your child is capable of reaching.

That’s not punishment.

That’s loving accountability—built on belief, structure, and the faith that your child can rise to the occasion.

This is what’s called authoritative parenting—an approach backed by decades of developmental psychology research. It balances high expectations with emotional warmth and structure.

In contrast to authoritarian parenting, which is rigid and punitive, authoritative parenting focuses on clear boundaries and communication while supporting the child’s emotional growth.

And yes—it’s the style most consistently linked to positive outcomes in kids across studies.

Making Parenting More Efficient: Boil It Down to the Principle

The reason this works so well is because it helps you boil out the bullshit.

You stop getting dragged into debates, explanations, and circular logic with your kid over semantics—and instead focus on the core value you’re trying to instill.

What looks like 10 different behavior issues usually boils down to 2–4 core principles. That’s it.

Once parents start thinking this way, they immediately feel less overwhelmed—and way more confident.

Because here’s the deal: parenting isn’t about solving every problem. It’s about repeating the same principle enough times that your kid actually internalizes it.

In fact, things that are annoying are often the most effective.

Don’t believe me? Seatbelt use didn’t skyrocket because of heartfelt lectures. It skyrocketed because of that annoying chime in your car that doesn’t stop until everyone clicks in.

When parents start repeating principles in the same consistent tone—without debate, without shame, without emotional drama—it sticks.

Your kid might roll their eyes. But eventually, they’ll repeat the principle back to you.

I’ve had clients’ kids who get visibly annoyed—but then start catching themselves:

“Ugh. Fine. I know, I need to show more initiative.”

That’s not defiance. That’s internalization.

And more importantly? They start to feel pride in living up to it. Not because they were micromanaged, but because they start seeing themselves as someone who can handle it.

They go from “doing it for you” to doing it for themselves.

One kid recently told his dad, “Can you just go back to yelling instead of repeating the principles?” That’s when you know it’s working.

Use Principles to Proactively Frame the Moment

These principles work for kids as young as four and a half. You don’t need a lecture or a behavior chart—you need clarity and consistency.

Try this:

“Hey, this is a great opportunity for you to show perseverance.”
“This is one of those moments where you can practice accepting no.”
“You’ve got a shot to show some real initiative here.”

By proactively framing the moment through a principle, you:

Avoid the content rabbit hole
Reduce emotional reactivity
Give your child a clear roadmap

And more often than not? They rise to the challenge.

Start Here: How to Talk About Principles Instead of Problems

Next time your kid does something that triggers you, try this three-step reset:

Pause before reacting. Ask yourself: What principle is being missed here?
Name the principle aloud. Don’t just say what they did wrong—say what you want to see.
Connect the consequence to the principle. Make the accountability about who they’re becoming, not just what they did.

Example:

Instead of a request, prompt, or nagging demand: “Why didn’t you do your homework?!”
Try: “You know that you are capable of persevering through your homework. What is your plan to feel accomplished?”

Final Thought: Principles Build Pride

Your kid doesn’t need a referee. They need a mentor.

They don’t need to fear you.

They need to trust that your discipline has purpose.

They’re not trying to be difficult—they’re trying to figure out who they are.

And when you consistently parent from principle, you stop trying to control their behavior...

...and start shaping their character.

This is exactly what Honey, We F**ed Up the Kids* is all about.

Want a sneak peek of the book? You can grab it right here.

If this post hit home, share it with a parent who’s stuck in the weeds—and help them grab the handle of the umbrella again.

💬 What’s one principle you want your kid to grow up living by? Drop it in the comments.