That Door You Held Open? It Was Never About Them.
How external validation traps us in resentment—and what real integrity in families actually looks like.
We all want to believe we're good people.
We help others. We’re polite. We text back. We hold doors open at coffee shops.
But the truth is—most of the time—we’re not doing those things just because they’re right.
We’re doing them because they feed the story we want to tell about ourselves.
That we’re kind. Empathetic. Thoughtful. Good.
And when no one reflects that story back to us?
We spiral.
Let me give you the door metaphor I use with clients.
You're walking into a coffee shop.
You glance behind you and see someone coming.
So you do what most well-adjusted humans do—you hold the door.
They walk through…
…and they say nothing. No nod. No smile. They don’t even mouth the word thank you while they are on their phone yammering…
Now pause.
What do you think? What do you feel?
Do you:
Say “You’re welcome” under your breath (or not under your breath)?
Slam the door next time? Or as one of my clients would do is actually shut the door on them midway through the door.
Spend the next 15 minutes in line fantasizing about giving them a lesson in manners?
You’re not alone. Most people react. And often harshly.
But here’s the mic-drop question I hit my clients with:
“If you held the door because it was the right thing to do…
then why does it bother you so much when you don’t get the appreciation?”
See, the moment someone doesn’t validate our effort,
we realize just how much our actions were tied to recognition.
The story we were telling about ourselves collapses.
And now, we don’t feel kind.
We feel disrespected.
Invisible.
Angry.
I hate to break it to you but…
Holding the door was never about them. It was about you.
You were validating yourself.
Or at least trying to.
Let’s go even deeper—this isn't just about character, it's about programming.
Most of us didn’t invent kindness.
We inherited it.
We were taught—by people we trusted and loved—that doing kind things made us “good.”
That holding doors, saying please and thank you, being polite, being helpful… made people proud of us.
And so we obeyed.
Not just because it felt right,
but because it kept us emotionally safe and connected to the people who mattered most.
Here’s what we often miss though:
The real reason those people wanted us to act that way wasn’t so we could make them proud.
It was so we could learn to feel proud of ourselves.
But instead of internalizing that,
we attached our self-worth to their approval, to other people’s praise,
and to the reactions we get from the world.
(This is why I teach parents to tell their kids that they should feel proud of themselves first…)
So now when we hold the door and someone doesn’t acknowledge it,
our childhood wiring kicks in:
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Am I still good?”
“Why does it feel like I don’t matter?”
This isn’t just a moment of rudeness.
It’s an identity crisis.
The Real Game: Internal vs. External Validation
We’re all building a sense of identity.
A story of who we are.
And most of us rely on other people’s reactions to build that story.
We say, “I’m kind,”
but only feel kind when others affirm it.
We say, “I’m a good parent,”
but only feel it when our kid listens or our partner acknowledges us.
We say, “I’m strong,”
but only believe it when people admire our choices.
That’s not identity.
That’s dependency disguised as virtue.
And it’s why we’re so damn fragile when people don’t play along.
It is also why you are constantly getting a bag of mixed results in your interactions with others. Inconsistency breeds distrust.
Distrust doesn't allow people to feel that they "really know" who you are.
So what’s the work?
The work is this:
Can you keep the door open… even when no one says thank you?
Can you keep showing up, not because of how it looks, but because of who you are?
That’s integrity.
That’s earned self-worth.
That’s how you stop being addicted to other people’s validation and start becoming someone you actually respect.
Because look—
Anyone can be kind when kindness is rewarded.
Anyone can be calm when everyone’s calm.
Anyone can be generous when people clap for it.
But true character isn’t tested when people agree with you.
It’s tested when they don’t.
And you keep being who you are anyway.
So how does this show up in parenting, marriage, and family life?
This exact pattern plays out constantly in our closest relationships.
You try to stay calm with your kids.
You give your partner space.
You extend grace to family members.
But if you expect appreciation or acknowledgment most of the time—
then the second you don’t get it, you’ll feel taken advantage of, disrespected, or invisible.
And you’ll start shifting from acting with integrity to acting with resentment.
And the deeper trap? It’s unbelievably easy to fall into this cycle when you’re used to putting others’ needs above your own.
When your own rest, time, space, voice, or emotional bandwidth never get prioritized—especially by you—you unconsciously start expecting the people around you to compensate for that.
You give endlessly, then feel betrayed when no one gives back in the way you hoped.
But here’s the truth:
You don’t need everyone else to value your needs—you need to value them yourself.
You are not a better parent for never taking a break.
You are not a better partner for staying silent to keep the peace.
You are not more loving because you’re always the one who bends.
You are only building resentment. Quietly. Repeatedly. Until it explodes—or turns into emotional distance.
This is how emotional enmeshment forms: when your actions depend on someone else's reaction.
And it’s why differentiation is everything.
Differentiation is your ability to stay connected without losing yourself.
It means you can still be kind when your kid is being a nightmare.
You can still show love when your partner is distant.
You can still hold a boundary even if your family doesn’t like it.
This is real and honest love. Not conditional character and conditional love.
And it’s what allows you to build closeness without resentment, loyalty without guilt, and connection without conditions.
Now lets get out there and hold some doors for yourself today…or just punch the person who doesn’t appreciate it. Either way you will figure it out.
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