The #1 Marriage Miscommunication That Destroys Intimacy
(And How to Fix It)
I sat across from them on the couch—married ten years, two kids, dual careers, the whole thing.
She was holding back tears.
He was staring into the corner, already shutting down.
And if you didn’t know what to look for, you might think they were just “bad at communicating.”
But I knew better.
Because what she had just said was this:
“I just don’t feel like you want to be with me anymore. I need you to show me I matter.”
Now, on the surface, that might sound like a vulnerable, honest expression.
It was emotional.
It was raw.
It was real.
But the problem?
It wasn’t a need.
It was a test.
A setup.
A statement loaded with emotional expectation that left her husband two choices:
Prove her wrong by performing reassurance
Prove her right by being anything less than perfect in his response
This right here—this exact moment—is the most common miscommunication I see in struggling marriages.
One partner is trying to express themselves.
The other feels like they’re on emotional trial.
And both walk away feeling more alone.
When “I Need” Isn’t a Need—It’s a Demand in Disguise
Let’s make this practical.
If you’ve ever said any version of:
“I just need you to be more affectionate…”
“I need you to want to talk to me…”
“I need to feel like I’m a priority…”
Then congratulations—you’re human.
But here’s what most people don’t realize:
The word “need” gets weaponized in relationships all the time.
Because what starts as an honest expression quickly turns into an emotional contract:
“If you love me, you’ll meet this need.”
But… what if they don’t?
What if they can’t?
What if they don’t even see the world the same way?
Suddenly, their failure to respond perfectly becomes a referendum on the entire relationship.
That’s not communication.
That’s pressure.
And it kills connection fast.
Why This Shows Up in So Many Marriages (Including Yours)
Most people didn’t grow up seeing emotional boundaries modeled well.
You were either:
Taught to over-accommodate—managing everyone else’s feelings
Or taught to under-share—keeping the peace by staying silent
So now, as adults, you’re trying to connect with your partner the only way you know how:
By expressing a “need” and hoping it’s heard as an invitation.
But it lands as a demand.
That’s how the feedback loop begins:
One partner shares from pain
The other feels like they’re failing
Both get defensive or shut down
Nobody feels safe to try again
And over time, emotional intimacy gets replaced with emotional eggshells.
Most Couples Therapy Doesn’t Fix This. It Accidentally Reinforces It.
Here’s where I piss off some of the therapy world.
A lot of couples therapy teaches partners to:
“Own their feelings”
“Share their needs openly”
“Validate and mirror back”
That’s great... in theory.
But if you don’t teach people how to stay grounded when their partner disappoints them, it all turns into performance.
I’ve worked with couples where one partner can recite every communication script perfectly—
But they’re still seething underneath because what they really want is control.
They don’t want a partner.
They want a mirror.
And when that mirror doesn’t reflect back the right emotional face, they feel unloved.
This isn’t intentional manipulation. It’s emotional survival.
But it’s still destructive.
So How Do You Actually Fix It?
First, we have to reframe what communication is for in a marriage.
It’s not to control your partner’s response.
It’s not to manage their reaction.
It’s not to extract certainty.
Communication is about sharing your inner world—without making your partner responsible for fixing it.
Here’s what that looks like in real life:
Instead of saying:
“I need you to initiate more or I don’t feel desired.”
Say:
“When I notice I’m always the one initiating, I start to tell myself a story that I’m unwanted. I know that might not be true, but it’s where I go emotionally. Can we talk about that?”
See the difference?
One statement issues a contract: “Make me feel desired or I’m not okay.”
The other opens up a conversation: “Here’s what’s happening inside me—I want to share it with you.”
That’s intimacy.
That’s maturity.
That’s what couples in long-lasting, connected marriages learn to do.
The Real Fix: Emotional Differentiation
The technical term here is differentiation—the ability to stay emotionally grounded while in close relationship with someone who is different than you. I’ve written about this previously and highly recommend that you checkout my other articles about this topic. It is deeply fascinating…
Differentiation means:
You can feel something deeply and not need your partner to match it
You can be disappointed without personalizing their behavior
You can express yourself vulnerably without turning it into an emotional demand
This is what I teach couples every single week in session.
Especially the ones dealing with serious disconnect:
Marriages with infidelity
Partnerships that haven’t had sex in a year
Relationships where everything feels “fine” but both partners are dying inside
They don’t need scripts.
They don’t need emotional role play.
They need the capacity to feel and speak without control.
Here’s the Truth:
If your communication keeps leading to defensiveness, shutdowns, or guilt trips—
You’re probably not “bad at talking.”
You’re using vulnerability to get compliance.
And your partner can feel it—even if they can’t name it.
The fix?
Drop the demand.
Own your story.
And speak to be known—not to be fixed.
Welcome to real intimacy….
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I share your disdain for couple's therapy. Especially when it is about sex. In my experience it is not only because of how ppl talk, but talking is just the wrong way of fixing sex. Instead, habit and skills change lead to more and especially hotter sex.