The 4 Landmines That Destroy Marriages (and How to Defuse Them Before They Blow Up Your Family)
Why money, parenting, sex, and in-laws keep wrecking marriages—and how to finally get ahead of them.
Everyone says couples split because of “communication problems.” That’s like saying the Titanic sank because it “had a leak.” Technically true, but it completely misses the point.
From my years in the therapy room, I see the same four landmines explode marriages over and over again. If you don’t manage these, they will manage you. And trust me—they don’t play nice.
1. Money: The #1 Divorce Trigger
Money fights are never really about dollars and cents. They’re about what money represents—security, freedom, pride, or power. Every swipe of the credit card carries meaning.
The Saver vs. the Spender slowly chips away at trust.
Unspoken fears about debt, retirement, or stability turn into resentment.
Couples argue about numbers when really they’re clashing about values.
A few questions to chew on with your partner:
What does money trigger on a deeper level—security, freedom, confidence, pride?
What long-term goals actually matter to us—debt freedom, a vacation home, stability, growth?
How do we track our money, and is there even a real problem, or just unspoken anxiety?
Most couples never talk about this. And if you’re still juggling spreadsheets and sticky notes, do yourself a favor—leverage automation. I recommend Monarch Money because systems save sanity. AUTOMATION = MAGIC.
More data and being able to see how money moves allows you to create better understanding instead of blaming, shaming, and guilting!
2. Parenting Approaches: The Divide-and-Conquer Disaster
Few things wreck a marriage faster than one parent being the “bad cop” while the other plays “fun parent.” Kids sense that divide instantly and run plays straight through it.
Conflicting expectations = constant chaos.
Kids triangulate and pit parents against each other.
The marriage gets downgraded to a management team.
The fix? Stop arguing about each tantrum in aisle 6. Principles over problems.
If you’ve read my stuff, you know this is the foundation of my Emotionally Strategic Parenting system: consequences that build character, anchored in principles and hierarchy. Love first, but hierarchy always.
The Gentle Parenting Paradox: A Family Therapists Take
Gentle parenting has taken the modern parenting world by storm—and at first glance, it sounds like the solution to every past generation’s mistakes. It emphasizes empathy, respect, and emotional validation, with the goal of raising emotionally secure children.
3. Sex & Intimacy: The Silent Drift
When intimacy dies, marriages don’t usually explode—they quietly wither into roommates. And no, it’s not just about sex. It’s about connection, novelty, and the feeling that you’re still wanted.
Desire mismatches go unspoken until resentment sets in.
Exhaustion and stress push intimacy to the bottom of the list.
Without intimacy, every other fight feels bigger.
Here’s the paradox: putting kids first might feel noble, but when your marriage suffers, they’re the first to pay the price. When divorce ensues the kids are the most negatively affected! This is why a strong hierarchy is imperative and your connection with your spouse should be prioritized way more.
Kids thrive when they see their parents connected—not when they become the glue holding things together.
Stay tuned: I’ve got an upcoming piece with deeper questions couples should wrestle with to reignite connection. Until then, here’s one you’ll want to check out:
The #1 Marriage Miscommunication That Destroys Intimacy
I sat across from them on the couch—married ten years, two kids, dual careers, the whole thing.
4. In-Laws & Family of Origin: Ghosts at the Table
You didn’t just marry your spouse—you married their entire family system. And unless you set boundaries, those ghosts will haunt your home.
One partner defers to parents instead of their spouse.
Family traditions or expectations clash with your new family.
Old patterns of enmeshment creep back in and override your marriage.
Questions to ask each other:
Who’s the hardest person to disappoint in our families, and what happens if we do?
How do we want to involve family in healthy ways?
Where do we need to detach to protect our marriage?
What new traditions or rituals can we create that make our family culture stronger than the pull of the past?
If you want more on family of origin dynamics, check out my premium Substack series starting here:
1.) How Your Family of Origin Still Controls You
Are You Actually Making Your Own Choices—Or Just Reacting Unconsciously?
It Is Better To Be Proactive!
Every couple will hit these four landmines at some point. The difference between thriving and collapsing isn’t whether they exist—it’s how you handle them. Ignore them, and they blow your marriage apart. Address them, and you build something resilient.
When I work with couples, I always assess these four areas first. Why? Because tackling fights about socks on the floor while ignoring money, sex, parenting, and in-laws is like patching a leak while the hull’s already splitting.
Strong marriages aren’t built by avoiding conflict. They’re built by managing the right conflicts, in the right way.
👉 This is Part 3 of my Marriage–Parenting Systems Series, where I expose the hidden dynamics sabotaging families—and the strategies to fix them. Subscribe here so you don’t miss what’s next.