The 5 Ways Communication Breaks Down When Emotional Trust Is Missing And How to Rebuild It Mid-Conflict.
Why most relationship fights aren’t about words — they’re about whether it feels emotionally safe to stay.
In the last article, I broke down why communication in relationships is completely f*cked.
It was long, but I felt it necessary to convey just how quickly communication breaks down — and why it breaks down so damn easily.
This one’s for you, Gary!
Communication doesn’t break down because of some nefarious or malicious motive — even though yes, sometimes that is the case. But honestly? That’s rare.
It breaks down because communication collapses the moment emotional closeness and trust disappear.
You don’t fix communication first.
You restore emotional trust — and communication follows.
Carriage in front of the horse, as they say. Or, in today’s parenting lingo: connection over correction.
When trust is low:
Every word feels dangerous.
Every tone sounds like criticism.
Every pause feels like rejection.
Instead of “talking it out,” couples end up doing emotional parkour while blindfolded and bruised.
Let’s break down the five ways communication fails when emotional trust erodes — and how to rebuild it, even in the middle of conflict.
1. When Validation Disappears
Validation is not agreement.
If you haven’t read any of my other articles, go search “validation” on my Substack. It’s one of the most misunderstood — and most misused — strategies in the history of psychotherapy.
Validation is simply this:
“Your emotional experience makes sense given what you’ve experienced and where your focus is.”
When validation goes missing, your partner’s nervous system starts broadcasting:
“You don’t care.”
“You think I’m crazy.”
“You’re trying to win.”
“I’m alone in this.”
“I’m always the asshole!”
“You don’t want to actually listen or care about where I’m coming from.”
That’s when listening shuts down.
That’s when defenses go up.
Validation doesn’t mean you agree with their perspective.
It means you understand why they could feel the way they do.
And yes — that “why” could be a personal projection or some family-of-origin trauma getting triggered. Doesn’t mean it’s not real.
What validation sounds like:
“It’s understandable that you feel that way.”
“That makes sense given what you were dealing with.”
“I get why that would hurt.”
Validation doesn’t end the conversation — it makes it emotionally trustworthy enough to continue.
2. When Expression Becomes Labeling
Most people think they’re being honest and talking about how they feel…
But what they’re really doing is labeling the other person instead of talking about their own experience.
“You’re selfish.”
“You always twist things.”
“You don’t care about my feelings.”
These are not emotional expressions.
They’re verdicts on your partner’s character.
If you want to watch someone go to war over their integrity, just label them.
This is one of the most common communication breakdowns I see in couples therapy.
It triggers shame. Guilt. And now you’re off to the races.
What to say instead:
“I feel dismissed when we start talking about money.”
“I notice myself shutting down when I feel rejected after initiating intimacy.”
“I feel nervous talking about finances because I don’t understand what’s making you anxious.”
The rule: Talk about what happened inside of you — not what’s wrong with your partner.
Labeling your partner makes them feel mischaracterized and judged. It’s like starting the conversation by saying:
“You’re guilty until proven innocent.”
And guess what that creates?
Remember the Salem Witch Trials!?
Defensiveness. Name-calling. Projection. Less truth and clarity on whats really going on… And a bunch of other relational BS you’ll waste your life on — instead of getting the connection you actually want.
3. When Curiosity Is Replaced by Judgment
Curiosity is the antidote to defensiveness.
It creates space for complexity. It allows multiple truths to exist at once.
Or as one of my brilliant clients put it:
“Two projectors, one screen.”
When we’re trying to stay connected, the truth shouldn’t be just your truth.
It should include your partner’s truth, too.
I call this open emotional curiosity.
It’s where your tone, demeanor, and attitude make it obvious that you genuinely want to understand. That you’re approaching the conversation with openness, not agenda.
Tone is everything. It sends the bulk of the message.
But most people don’t ask open, emotionally curious questions.
They ask gotcha questions — with just enough snark to trigger a defensive shutdown. Think Law & Order interrogation scene.
“Why would you do that?”
“Don’t you see how ridiculous that is?”
“How could you not know?”
“How do you actually feel that way?”
These aren’t real questions.
They’re accusations wearing a question mark.
Real emotional curiosity sounds like:
“I don’t want you to feel that way at all. Why do you?”
“This was never my intention — but you still feel this way. Help me understand.”
“It sucks and saddens me that this is your experience. Can you help me understand how we got here?”
You cannot be curious and self-righteous at the same time.
Curiosity brings safety back.
Judgment shuts it down.
PRO TIP: Tone and body language matter. Without them, these questions fall flatter than my uncoordinated 2.5-year-old trying to jump off a couch.
4. When You Stop Giving the Benefit of the Doubt
When trust is low, you assume the worst:
“You did this to hurt me.”
“You only care about yourself.”
“You don’t want to fix this.”
But emotionally healthy relationships survive because someone in the room is willing to assume:
“Either you meant well… or you’re hurting, too.”
This doesn’t mean you abandon accountability.
It means you stay emotionally open while you figure out what’s going on.
We’re not trying to win with one truth — we’re trying to amalgamate two truths.
Where most pain actually comes from:
Present-day stress
Insecurity
Anxiety about the relationship
Childhood attachment wounds
Feeling misunderstood
Low emotional intelligence
Recurring conflict cycles that never get resolved
If you assume pain instead of malice, the conversation softens and allows you to get clarity on whats really happening for both people.
Now you can start depersonalizing your partner’s behavior and begin separating intention from impact.
I often tell couples:
“You have to decide if your spouse is trying to ruin your life and steal your money…
…or if they’re genuinely trying to build something good with you but don’t know how.”
It’s one or the other.
5. When You Forget to Commiserate
This one’s criminally underrated — and most people think it’s a waste of time.
Shocking twist! (It’s not.)
Commiseration is when you simply say:
“This sucks. I don’t like that we’re here either.”
You’re not solving anything.
You’re not blaming.
You’re just sitting in the same hard moment — together.
Commiseration sounds like:
“This is hard for both of us for different reasons.”
“I know this isn’t what either of us wanted.”
“We both care… and we’re stuck on how to fix this.”
When you feel raw, insecure, or unsure — this kind of empathy reconnects you without requiring a perfect solution.
It shifts the energy from me vs you → us vs the problem. In psychotherapy we call this externalizing the problem.
It also helps you both see how much of the conflict may be coming from external factors — not some deep internal betrayal.
Most couples resist this truth.
They think it’s “making excuses.”
Nope. It’s called providing context.
Try saying this instead:
“This isn’t an excuse — it’s an explanation. And I’m not using it to escape the hard parts. I just think its important we look at the complexity of all of this.”
Boom. Nervous system settled. Conversation continues.
Big Truth to End On
We need to make sure emotional trust doesn’t disappear.
Without it, you and your partner will feel:
Alone
Mischaracterized
Judged
Labeled
And treated like they’re guilty before you’re even heard them out!
“Wow, Matt — when you put it that way, it sounds absolutely terrible.”
That’s because it is.
When trust is strong:
Words land with love
Tone matters less
Repair happens quickly
Conflict becomes bonding
When trust is gone:
Every word stings
Every silence feels loaded
Every disagreement feels like a threat
The five skills that rebuild emotional safety:
Validation
Emotional expression (without labeling)
Open emotional curiosity
Benefit of the doubt
Commiseration
They’re not optional.
They are the foundation.
And without them?
You’re totally f*cked.
Because without emotional trust?
Communication isn’t just hard — it’s impossible.
Good luck Gary! I know you got this!