The "But" That Breaks Everything
How One Word Is Sabotaging Your Relationships
Ever notice how a conversation is going just fine until someone drops the B-word?
"I understand what you're saying, but..."
(Not that other B-word. C’mon get your mind out of the gutter!)
And suddenly, the temperature in the room drops faster than your motivation on Monday morning.
That innocent little three-letter word—"but"—might almost be as bad as telling someone to “calm down.”
The "But" Bomb: Communication's Silent Killer
Let's break down a typical conflict conversation:
YOU: "I am frustrated that you take forever to respond to my text messages, but get right back to your buddies all the time regardless of what you have going on."
THEM: "I hear you, but I was really busy at work."
See what happened there? Everything before the "but" just got erased. Poof. Gone. Like it never happened.
When we use "but," we're essentially saying, "I pretended to listen for a socially acceptable amount of time, and now I'm going to tell you why you're wrong."
It's the conversational equivalent of a fake-out handshake that turns into a hair flip.
And we all do it. Why? Because we were taught to do it—in our families, where most of us earned PhDs in Dysfunctional Communication before we could even drive.
The Magic of "And": Your New Relationship Superpower
Now try this version:
YOU: "I am frustrated that you take forever to respond to my text messages, but get right back to your buddies all the time regardless of what you have going on."
THEM: "I understand and don’t want you to feel that way. And I was really busy at work."
Feel the difference? It's subtle but powerful.
"And" acknowledges that two realities can exist simultaneously. Your feelings are valid, and so are theirs. Nobody gets erased. Nobody gets dismissed.
The opposite actually happens! You both feel valued and cared for.
This tiny word swap maintains connection even during disagreement—which is pretty much the holy grail of relationship communication.
Your Family of Origin: The Original Programming
Why is this so hard to do in practice? Because most of us are still running Windows 95 communication software installed by our families of origin.
Let's look at how your childhood role might be sabotaging your adult conversations:
The Family Scapegoat: Masters of Self-Dismissal
If you were your family's designated problem child or emotional punching bag, you learned early that your feelings didn't matter. Your perspective was always wrong, always dismissed.
This creates adults who:
Minimize their own needs ("It's not a big deal...")
People-please until burnout
Repress emotions until they explode
Use "but" to dismiss themselves before others can do it first
Sound familiar? You might catch yourself saying things like:
"I'm upset about this, but I'm probably overreacting." "I'd like to talk about this issue, but it's not that important."
You're "but-bombing" yourself before anyone else can.
The Golden Child: Feedback-Resistant Perfectionists
If you were the family star—the one who could do no wrong—you received a different kind of dysfunctional programming.
Golden children often:
Struggle to incorporate feedback (because they rarely received any)
Become defensive when challenged
Use "but" to protect their self-image
Find it nearly impossible to say "I was wrong"
As an adult, you might say:
"I hear that I hurt you, but that wasn't my intention." "You're upset about the dishes, but I did all the laundry."
Your "buts" serve as shields against the terrifying possibility of imperfection.
The Communication Gridlock: When "Buts" Collide
When a former scapegoat and a former golden child get into a relationship, it's like watching two people try to drive on opposite sides of the road—a spectacular crash waiting to happen.
The scapegoat minimizes until they explode.
The golden child deflects until they're isolated.
And both rely heavily on "but" to maintain their childhood coping strategies.
The result? Communication gridlock.
This leads to:
Superficial apologies ("I'm sorry you feel that way, but...")
Chronic conflict avoidance
Problems swept under increasingly lumpy rugs
Emotional distance disguised as "agreeing to disagree"
I got you though.
The "Ball Buster" Game: Become the "But" Buster in Your Relationship
Want to break the "but" habit without turning it into another serious, heavy conversation?
Try the "Ball Buster" game with your partner. (And yes, the name is intentional—because what's the point of marriage if you can't laugh about busting each other's balls occasionally?)
Play also allows you to take some of the seriousness and rigidity from your family dynamics of the past AND soften the blows in the present. See what I did there…
The rules of engagement:
Set a timeframe: Agree to play for a day, a weekend, or even a week.
Establish the rules: Every time one of you uses "but" during a conversation, the other gets to call it out with a playful "Ball Buster!" (Bonus points for silly delivery or adding jazz hands. Epic dance moves like the sprinkler are also welcome.)
The penalty: Whoever said "but" has to rephrase their sentence using "and" instead.
Track the score: Keep a tally if you want to add some friendly competition—loser cooks dinner or gives a back rub.
Reward success: Celebrate when you both go a full conversation without any "buts."
This will allow you to break some outdated patterns and the emotional baggage of the past.
It turns a communication problem into something playful instead of another criticism
It creates awareness without shame
It gives immediate feedback in a way that doesn't feel threatening (Just Fun KAREN!)
It makes you both allies against the problem rather than opponents
One couple I worked with turned this into a month-long challenge and were shocked to discover they'd each dropped over 200 "buts" in that time. Their communication improved dramatically, and—plot twist—their physical intimacy increased too.
Turns out feeling truly heard is actually pretty sexy.
Breaking the "But" Habit: Your Four-Step Repair Plan
Ready to swap "but" for "and"? Here's how to start:
Catch yourself in the act. The next time you're in a disagreement, become aware of your "buts." Just noticing them is 3/4ths of the battle.
Practice the pause. Before responding, take a breath. This tiny moment creates space for choosing a different word.
Make the swap. Consciously replace "but" with "and." It will feel weird at first. That's normal. You're rewiring decades of programming.
Acknowledge both realities. "I understand you were busy at work, and I felt hurt when you didn't respond."
This isn't just semantics—it's about creating space where both perspectives can exist without canceling each other out.
The Differentiation Advantage
When you can hold two seemingly contradictory realities at once, you've achieved what family therapists call "differentiation"—the ability to stay connected while maintaining your separate identity.
Highly differentiated people don't need to dismiss others to validate themselves.
They're comfortable with the messiness of human emotions and the complexity of relationships.
They use "and" instead of "but" not as a communication trick, but as a reflection of their understanding that relationships thrive in the space where differences are acknowledged, not erased.
Your Turn to Talk
Think about your last conflict conversation:
How many times did you use "but"?
What were you trying to protect or defend?
How might "and" have changed the outcome?
Changing "but" to "and" won't solve all your relationship problems overnight. Im great but not a miracle worker…
But it will create space for real connection—even in disagreement.
And that's where the real relationship magic happens.
Now share this with someone who needs to hear it. Because we all know that person who "buts" their way through every conversation...
And yes, it might be you.