The Golden Rule Is Emotional Narcissism in Disguise
This one might piss some people off...
You know that old saying — “Treat others how you want to be treated”?
Yeah… the good ole Golden Rule.
It sounds like a spiritual mic drop — a moral compass, the gold standard of goodness.
However: the Golden Rule only works in theory — kind of like socialism.
Beautiful in concept. Catastrophic in application.
Because it assumes that the way you want to be loved, cared for, or supported is the same way others experience love, care, and support.
It’s not.
And as the saying goes — when you assume, you make an ass out of “u” and “me.”
So let’s talk about how not to be an ass.
The Problem: It’s About You, Not Them
The Golden Rule presupposes a shared emotional language — as if everyone grew up with the same definition of love, safety, and compassion.
But most people’s upbringings are emotional foreign countries.
You might come from a family that showed love through acts of service.
Your partner might come from one that showed love by debating everything at the dinner table.
Your friend might have learned that love means never burdening others with your pain.
So when you apply the Golden Rule — “I’m being kind the way I’d want someone to be kind to me” — what you’re really saying is:
“I think I know what you need better than you do.”
Definitely not the intention, but the path to hell is always paved with good intentions…
“But It’s About Intention, Not Outcome!”
I can already hear the defense:
“You’re missing the point, Matt! The Golden Rule is about good intentions!”
Sure — and good intentions are great.
But kindness without attunement becomes projection.
In therapy terms, that’s when your nervous system is more focused on doing something than feeling into someone.
Intentions without awareness backfire because they keep the focus on your comfort, not the other person’s experience.
It’s like offering someone soup when they’re choking — well-meaning, but wildly unhelpful.
“But Empathy Means Imagining How They Feel!”
Exactly — and that’s where the Golden Rule tricks people.
Empathy without differentiation becomes emotional enmeshment.
You’re not actually stepping into their world — you’re exporting yours into theirs.
Real empathy isn’t “If I were you…”
It’s “Help me understand what it’s like to be you.”
Because seeking to understand is care — it’s the literal act of care.
That tiny difference is the line between emotional connection and emotional burnout.
The Real-World Fallout
When you live by the Golden Rule in relationships, it feels noble — but it breeds misunderstanding and resentment.
I’ve seen this destroy people’s perception of how loving they are — while they’re completely disconnected from the impact they have on the people they love most.
The parent who comforts their child the way they wished they were comforted — instead of giving the child space to self-regulate.
The spouse who plans grand romantic gestures because that’s their love language — while their partner just wanted quiet presence.
The friend who “checks in constantly” when you’re grieving — but ends up creating more emotional labor for you.
The Golden Rule turns us into over-functioners — people who care so much that we start managing others instead of meeting them.
And when that care isn’t reciprocated the way we expect?
Cue burnout, guilt, and silent scorekeeping — the perfect recipe for resentment and entitlement.
“It’s Not Supposed to Be Taken Literally!”
Yeah, I know.
It’s meant as a moral principle, not a behavioral instruction manual.
But we live in an emotionally literal world.
People do take it literally — especially in families, marriages, and workplaces.
They treat others how they want to be treated and then get frustrated when it doesn’t land.
We teach kids this stuff and then never really help them understand the nuance and the deeper evolution.
That’s why I call it emotional socialism — we assume equality where none exists.
Equal emotional rules. Equal emotional resources. Equal self-awareness.
Except… no family system in history has ever been equal like that.
Good intentions can still lead to emotional famine if they’re built on misunderstanding.
“It Works If Both People Are Emotionally Healthy!”
Totally — and unicorns exist too.
The Golden Rule assumes emotional symmetry — that both people have similar levels of self-awareness, regulation, and communication skills.
That’s a fantasy. Or in my business we call it a delusion…
In family systems work, we call that fusion — where your emotional world and someone else’s overlap so tightly that neither of you knows where one ends and the other begins.
When a parent, partner, or friend applies the Golden Rule to someone who’s more emotionally fragile, it doesn’t support — it smothers.
That’s why so many relationships filled with “good intentions” end up drowning in resentment.
“It’s Better Than Nothing, Right?”
Not untrue.
We need moral training wheels — especially for kids, who need simplified rules to learn civility.
But simplicity in adult relationships is dangerous.
Emotional growth requires nuance.
When your emotional philosophy fits on a bumper sticker, it can’t handle complexity.
Human connection requires customization, not copy-paste morality.
Otherwise, you end up creating rules that are easy to quote and impossible to live by.
The Platinum Rule: The Upgrade We Needed
If the Golden Rule is about you, the Platinum Rule is about them.
“Treat others how they want to be treated in an openly curious way — within the limits of your authenticity.”
That last clause matters — because empathy without boundaries turns into martyrdom.
The Platinum Rule asks for curiosity instead of assumption.
It requires emotional differentiation — the ability to hold onto your sense of self while staying connected to others.
It’s the difference between attunement and appeasement.
And it’s what separates healthy families and marriages from enmeshed ones.
The Real Lesson
The Golden Rule had good intentions — it just never evolved.
It assumes sameness in a world that thrives on difference.
So maybe it’s time to retire the gold and upgrade to platinum.
Because love isn’t about treating people how you wish you’d been treated.
It’s about learning how they need to be treated — and having the humility to adjust without losing yourself in the process.