Why You’re Not ‘Communicating Better’—You’re Just Arguing Differently

I have heard this phrase a 1,000 times when clients call me for help—"We just need to communicate better."

You and your partner have probably said that while sitting there, halfway through an argument about who forgot to take out the trash...again.

Communication isn’t the problem. It's the same damn fight on repeat—just in different clothes.

You’re not communicating better. You’re just arguing differently. That’s it.

If you’re stuck in an emotional feedback loop, it doesn’t matter if you switch up your vocab—your emotions are the ones calling the shots.

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• The False Belief: The idea that better communication will magically fix everything.
  You’ve been told a thousand times: "Just communicate better." So you go on and on, explaining and explaining—but guess what? No one listens.

  It’s not about communication; it’s about emotional reactions that keep getting triggered and creating a shit show.

• What’s Really Happening: You’re stuck in emotional feedback loops where your reactions are automatic—based on old emotional triggers, not actual disagreement.
  For example, the dishwasher—yep, the dishwasher.
  “I already did it last time!”
  “No, you didn’t!”
  The fight starts small, but suddenly, it's an emotional war zone. What you don’t realize is you’re just replaying old patterns that have nothing to do with the dishes. You’re not really arguing about the dishes.

  You’re arguing about how you feel when you think your partner isn’t listening to you. Big difference.

• The Emotional Process vs. The Content: Most fights aren’t about what you're fighting over—they’re about how you're fighting.
  Let’s be honest—are you really that concerned about the “who left the fridge open” issue? Or are you upset because the pattern of being ignored, shut down, or dismissed keeps happening over and over?

  The content of the fight? Who cares. The process of the fight? THAT’s what matters.

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This is where the Four I’s Framework (Impact, Intentions, Influences, Improvements) comes in to save the day—trust me, it's like emotional Prozac for your relationship.

It’s game-changing, and it’ll teach you how to stop reacting to the same old triggers and start getting to the root of the issue, instead of dancing around it with the same tired moves.

Next week I am launching a premium marriage Substack series. Its like marriage therapy on steroids and broken down into reflective and really deep articles to get you and your partner thinking and processing hardcore.

Ready to stop fighting over the same stupid stuff and start getting real breakthroughs?

Subscribe to the premium content to get the full breakdown of emotional feedback loops and frameworks that will transform the way you argue (and actually connect). Because communicating better? Pfft. Who has time for that when you can just stop arguing in the first place?