Your Family Is a Hot Mess Express
And It’s Not Just You...
You think you’re just dealing with a “strong-willed” kid.
You think you and your partner just “communicate differently.”
You think the problem is your mother-in-law who won’t stop giving unsolicited advice.
But no.
Your family isn’t just a group of people bumping into each other trying to survive. It’s a system. A living, breathing, messy, reactive, emotionally-charged system.
And like any system, it has rules, patterns, and unspoken forces that keep everyone locked into the same cycles—no matter how many parenting books you read, how many deep-breathing exercises you try, or how many times you say "If you don’t stop, I swear to God…"
Welcome to Family Systems Theory (a.k.a. Why Your Kid Ignores You, Your Partner Annoys You, and Your Dog Respects No One. Seriously he is a real ahole!)
Dr. Murray Bowen came up with Family Systems Theory, which basically says:
👉 Families aren’t just made up of individuals. They’re emotional units.
This means you’re not just dealing with a defiant 8-year-old—you’re dealing with a kid who’s learned exactly how to push your buttons based on the emotional patterns in your home.
You’re not just fighting about who left dishes in the sink—you’re dealing with years of built-up resentment wrapped up in one passive-aggressive argument about forks.
We all know deep down inside it isn’t about the forks…
Everything is connected. Everything is reactive. Everything is worse when no one has had coffee. (Me of all people!)
And the biggest mistake we all make?
We treat family problems like isolated incidents instead of seeing the system behind the chaos.
The 3 Hidden Forces Secretly Running Your Family (Like a Badly-Managed Circus)
1. The Anxiety Cycle (a.k.a. Everyone Feeds Off Everyone’s Stress)
Your kid loses it over screen time.
You lose it over them losing it.
They lose it harder.
Now you’re all mad, no one remembers why, and you need a nap. (Maybe even a cocktail)
Welcome to the anxiety cycle. Parents think they’re "disciplining" when they’re actually escalating, and kids learn to thrive in the chaos.
2. Projection & Enmeshment (a.k.a. Are You Raising Your Kid or Your Inner Child?)
You don’t just parent your kid—you project your own unresolved childhood wounds onto them.
Your parents were too strict? You overcorrect by letting your kid run wild.
Your parents coddled you? You demand emotional toughness from your 6-year-old.
Your mom made you feel like nothing was ever enough? Congratulations, you now have a perfectionist firstborn who cries over a 97% on a test.
3. Emotional Triangles (a.k.a. Why Your Kid Suddenly Needs a Snack Every Time You and Your Partner Argue)
Tension between two people? Boom—someone else gets dragged in.
You and your spouse argue? Your kid suddenly has a crisis.
You’re mad at your kid? You complain to your partner instead of dealing with it.
Grandma wants control? She turns your kid against you with mysterious after-school ice cream trips.
Every family does this. And until you see the pattern, you’re just another piece on the chessboard, moving exactly how the system tells you to.
So How Do You Fix Your Family System (Without Losing Your Sanity)?
Most people treat symptoms instead of fixing the system.
Here’s what actually works:
- Stop Reacting, Start Leading – You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Pause. Assess. Set the tone. Your kid doesn’t need a referee—they need a leader.
-See the Pattern, Not Just the Problem – Next time your kid acts out, don’t just correct the behavior—ask what’s fueling it. Patterns are sneaky. Learn to spot them.
-Disrupt the System – If every fight ends the same way, change the script.
Your kid expects a five-minute back-and-forth? Don’t engage.
Your partner expects you to shut down? Speak up.
Your toddler expects to win every negotiation? Buddy, the power cord is already missing.
Change one piece of the system, and you force the rest of it to shift.
Your First Step (So This Isn’t Just More Info You Forget About)
Right now, ask yourself: What’s the biggest dysfunctional pattern in your family?
-Is it parenting? The meltdowns, the defiance, the endless battles?
-Is it your marriage? The "we keep having the same fight" loop?
-Is it family stress? Walking on eggshells, repeating toxic patterns you swore you wouldn’t?
📩 Hit subscribe and reply to this post with your biggest struggle. I’ll be answering real questions in future posts and podcast episodes. (Soon to come!)
Your family doesn’t have to be a mess. Let’s fix it—together.