Are You Actually A "Nice" Person?
Why Your Kindness Might Not Be What You Think...
Ever held the door open for someone… and they just walked right through like you didn’t exist?
No nod. No smile. No “thanks.”
Just straight-up ghost mode.
And suddenly, you’re thinking:
Wow, okay. Rude.
Guess I won’t be doing that again.
Maybe they’re having a bad day?
Am I invisible? Did I die and not get the memo?! (Is Bruce Willis my therapist?)
But here’s the real question: Who were you holding the door open for?
If your answer is “to be nice” or “because it’s the right thing to do,” let’s test that theory.
Was your kindness unconditional… or was it actually a transaction?
Because if you feel slighted, annoyed, or even offended when you don’t get a thank you—was your act of kindness really about them? Or was it about receiving validation?
This is where emotional integrity—and the difference between confident, mentally strong people vs. those who are ruled by external validation—comes into play.
Let’s break it down.
We like to believe we’re doing things purely out of goodness. But deep down? We expect a tiny something in return.
Even if it’s just a look—an acknowledgment that our effort mattered.
When that doesn’t happen, we feel some type of way. Annoyed. Frustrated. Maybe even resentful.
Welcome to the battle between intrinsic and external validation.
Holding the door open because it aligns with who you are? That’s emotional integrity.
Holding the door open because you expect something in return? That’s an unspoken deal, not true character.
This tiny test exposes a much bigger pattern of unconscious operating.
Operating that may be emotionally draining you like an intestinal worm.
Ask yourself…
Are you only kind when people are kind back?
Are you only loving when your partner meets your expectations?
Are you only patient when your kids behave?
Most of us operate this way without realizing it. Because we were taught to.
Our family, society, and culture conditioned us to seek validation externally.
But truly confident, mentally strong, and relationally healthy people? They operate from unconditional character—not from the reactions of others.
They are who they are, regardless of how the world responds.
Because strong character isn’t built on conditions. It’s built on doing things for our own sense of integrity, by our own actions, and through the story we tell ourselves about the experience.
This is timeless and will allow you to break free of the unconscious chains or dependency on others to tell you who you are…
So what’s the fix?
Hold the door because that’s who you are, not because you expect a thank you.
Love your partner because you want to be loving, not because they checked all your boxes today.
Parent with consistency because your feel pride about how you show up, not because they made your life easier that day.
Strong character is defined by who you are when no one notices, no one praises you, and no one rewards you.
That’s emotional integrity.
That’s confidence.
And that’s how you become unshakeable in your relationships and in yourself.
So next time you hold the door and someone walks through like a ghost, don’t get mad—get curious.
Did you hold the door for them?
Or did you hold it for you?
Lets take a poll amongst my readers to see what they actually would do PRIOR to reading this article.
I’m fascinated by your description of the two motivations behind holding the door. It reminds me of a free Mindset Quotient test where the questions separate the different motivations from each other. At the end, you see whether you’re acting from of place of self defense or achievement or altruism. I’m convinced we learn from each level of thinking. Maybe with awareness we can change our reason for holding the door. Here’s a link to the test. https://www.schooloflifemastery.com/a/2147824015/vhmVZvA6