When Kids Become the Third Partner in Your Marriage
Why “Putting the Kids First” Might Be the Fastest Way to Break Your Marriage
Parenting can absolutely hijack your marriage and go from being something imagined as beautiful to a full-blown nightmare with clowns in it. Yes, clowns.
One day, it’s just you and your partner against the world—ordering late-night takeout, binge-watching shows, maybe even arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza. Then one of those fun nights leads from one thing to another and kids arrive…
Suddenly your marriage has a new third partner: your child. And spoiler alert—they’re not great at respecting boundaries.
Forget the boundaries—all of the unconscious associations to your upbringing start firing on all cylinders.
Cue dramatic music.
Here’s the problem: too many couples unconsciously allow their child to become the third wheel in their marriage. And not in the cute, “let’s all hang out together” way. More like the disruptive, opinionated roommate who inserts themselves into every conversation, dictates household emotions, and slowly takes over the master bedroom (literally, in some families).
Don’t forget the master bathroom too! (I always ask this to potential clients to really see how much the kid has taken over the hierarchy.)
Why This Happens
Over-attachment disguised as love – Parents often confuse closeness with healthy connection. What starts as nurturing quickly morphs into enmeshment. If you’re finding yourself negotiating with your spouse through your child (“Go ask Dad if it’s okay”), that’s a sign the boundaries have blurred.
Fear of damaging the bond – Parents today are terrified of creating distance. Full-blown anxiety scared. Mainly because of their own upbringing and not wanting to have their own kids experience what they did. So instead of reinforcing the marriage as the foundation, they prioritize the child’s comfort at the expense of their partner. The marriage becomes secondary—and kids pick up on this instantly. Even though the only reason the kids exist was because the marital bond was prioritized.
Unresolved family-of-origin issues – If you grew up in a household where one parent was absent, controlling, or overly needy, you might unconsciously repeat those dynamics. You end up leaning on your child for emotional validation that should be coming from your partner or vice versa. A lot of other dynamics are at play here and this is why when I work with parents we ALWAYS look at family of origin. Patterns tend to repeat themselves… (I have an article on this that you may want to check out →
1.) How Your Family of Origin Still Controls You
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Are You Actually Making Your Own Choices—Or Just Reacting Unconsciously?
What It Looks Like in Real Life
Your child insists on sleeping in your bed, and you let it slide because you “don’t want them to feel scared.”
Arguments with your spouse get paused, edited, or avoided because “the kids can’t handle it.”
Decisions about money, vacations, or daily routines revolve around the child’s desires, not the couple’s shared vision. OR WORSE—the in-laws become a 2nd and 3rd child unconsciously to the family dynamic.
You feel closer to your child than your partner—and secretly more understood by them. (This can happen because of unconscious personality sync ups based on the child and parent being similar in temperament.)
This isn’t just inconvenient. It’s dangerous. Because when your child becomes the emotional third partner, the actual marriage bond starts to atrophy. And here’s the kicker: kids don’t want that responsibility. It feels safe to them in the short term, but in the long term, it creates anxiety, entitlement, and blurred identity.
The Solution: Reclaim the Marriage as the Core
Reinforce hierarchy. Kids think they want a position in the hierarchy, but honestly this makes them anxious and overwhelmed—which is why power struggles inevitably consume the entire family. Keeping kids below the parental hierarchy allows them to feel confident the adults are actually responsible and able to care about the entire system. Hence the master bathrooms are off-limits :)
Prioritize couple time. This isn’t selfish—it’s survival. Kids need to see their parents choosing each other. Date nights, private conversations, even small rituals like morning coffee together are non-negotiable. This is modeling healthy and loving bonding between partners. It allows them to also see that their needs and feelings can and should take a back seat at times. This again reinforces the hierarchy.
Active ignoring. Not every emotional outburst deserves attention. By stepping back, you communicate to your child: “Your parents’ relationship matters, and it’s not up for negotiation.” You guessed it—hierarchy again! Actively ignoring also prevents the unintended consequence of giving your kids the impression that responding has legitimized their gripe. This is a slippery slope I see a lot of gentle parenting followers breaking their necks on.
Differentiate love from enmeshment. Real love doesn’t mean sharing every space, every conversation, every emotional state. It means modeling boundaries and showing your child that intimacy thrives on differentiation. (If you haven’t heard of this yet from me, for the love of everything please go check out this article →)
Are You Loving Your Family or Just Losing Yourself?
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Most people think love is about being as close as possible. The more connected, the better, right?
Why This Matters
The greatest gift you can give your kids isn’t endless emotional accommodation—it’s the security of knowing their parents are solid. When the marriage is the anchor, kids relax. They don’t need to be the glue holding things together. They get to be what they’re supposed to be: children.
So, if you’ve noticed your child quietly becoming the third partner in your marriage, it’s time to reset. Your marriage came first—and when you prioritize it, your entire family wins.